Let us all stand. Place our right hand...
on the chest of the person next to us.
Let us wear our mustache.
And let us all sing the anthem of all suave men.
Are you looking at the sky?
It seems that you're looking far beyond
My only wish is to make you smile
This is my affection
My love has been tested
You're the only one in this world for me
Hear my heart beat
Come and join me
I am Mr. Suave
Ooh...
I'm a girl magnet
Day and night
Yes, I am Mr. Suave
Oohh...
My dashing moves
Leave them awestruck
And if I need to make you happy
Don't hesitate to call me
My suave mustache
can tickle you.
I am Mr. Suave
Oohh...
I'm a girl magnet
Day and night
Yes, I am Mr. Suave
Oohh...
My dashing moves
Leave them awestruck
Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
Rico. I want to buy some of your shrimps.
- I'll get two kilos. - Give me the big ones!
Please. Could you attend to my order first?
- Shrimps. - They look so fresh!
Add some more for me. Rico!
Because you have a gorgeous smile. you'll have two shrimps free.
Thank you.
Because you're a sexy pregnant lady...
- You'll have one free shrimp. - Lucky you!
Thank you!
Here's my payment.
- Me too! Here's my payment. - I got it! Two kilos. One moment please!
- Thanks Rico. - Thanks to you too.
Hi Rico!
- I'll buy it all. - Really?
- Your shrimps are very tasty. - Let me buy it all.
Keep it cool girls!
I'll divide these for both of you to make it fair.
- Okay. - Here it is!
They say your shrimps are great when served raw.
- I guess they are. - Keep the change.
Here's mine. Please keep the change.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Hi. Rico. How's your shrimp business?
It's doing quite fine. Mr. Tea.
- You're lucky. - How about yours?
My congee business is turning bad. Almost everyone eats here for free.
Rico. Take a break first. Have a cigarette.
Sorry. I quit smoking.
I don't want my body to end up like yours.
I'm happy we're together again here in my eatery.
You've all grown up! I've missed you all.
We need to get into this theater tour in Japan.
Even if we need to qualify just as bit players.
I suggest that we trim our expectations.
No. This is my only way to get to Japan.
They better pick me or else...
Miss Venus Marte?
'Tis but thy name. that is my enemy.
Thou are thyself. thou not a Montagwe.
- Montague! - Montague.
What's Montague?
It is nor hand. nor foot. Nor arm...
- Nor face... - Okay!
That's enough. Thank you.
What do you mean? Did I pass the audition or not?
You're reading the script and yet you couldn't deliver well.
We'll call you Ms. Marte.
How arrogant of you!
Don't you know that it's so hard to read this junk?
Hey you! Tell your scriptwriter that his script stinks!
Rico. Why are you so attractive to women?
Better share us this talent of yours.
I don't have disease.
Not disease! Share your talent with us.
- Do you really want to know my secret? - Yes. Share them with us. Please.
- Yes. Your secret. - Share your secret! Come on!
- Promise? - Promise!
Okay. Move closer.
First. this thing should be removed.
- Amboy! Remove this. - Yes. Sir.
Thanks. Amboy.
Second. If you happen to see a girl who's alone. Approach her.
But you should arm yourself with your own pick-up line.
- Pick up? - What's a pick up line?
- How do you make one? - For example...
Hi! Do you come here often?
No.
- Well. That's one. - One what?
One thing we have in common.
- By the way. I'm Rico. - I'm Scarlet.
- It's nice meeting you. - One orange juice. Please.
- Angel? - No.
Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you're an angel.
Because you look like one.
You should be a gentleman.
Excuse me. Miss. Can I help you?
Sure. Thanks.
There's more.
Aren't you a house thief?
- No. I'm not. - Are you sure?
Thank you very much.
No problem.
Fourth. you must have...
a suave look.
Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
Get ready later!
- We will have a suave men's night. - Suave men's night!
Let's meet at the meeting place later.
You know where it is. Right?
Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
Let's go forth and multiply.
The things to remember when courting a girl is...
You need to court her whole family.
- Good evening. Sir Rico! - Good evening.
- Hey! - For you
- Thanks! - You're welcome.
Hey Boris!
Including the family pet.
- Hello. - Good evening. Sir Rico!
- Congee for you. - Wow! Is this my favorite congee?
- Yes. - Thank you very much.
Please come inside. Ma'am has been waiting for you.
That's right. The housemaid. Too.
Rico!
- For you. - A robot toy again?
Thanks.
Wait. I'll just call my mom.
- Mom! - Okay.
Of course. You should also court the girl's sibling.
But the most important of all is her mother.
Hi!
- For you. - What's that?
- Your favorite. - Really?
Let me see. Steamed shrimps?
- Yes. - It's my favorite indeed!
I'll just bring this to the kitchen. Feel at home. Okay?
- Sure. - Okay.
Hi. Rico.
Did I keep you waiting?
I'm sorry.
It's okay. You are worth waiting for.
You're so sweet.
- For me? - For you.
Thank you so much. Come on. Let's go.
Hi! Hello!
Do you come here often or after one?
What?
Because you're special...
I'll give you this special congee.
Moron! How could you give congee to a congee-vendor?
Go to hell!
Good evening. Sir.
For you.
Do you think I'm a dog. Huh?
For you.
Not again!
Leave me alone!
Good evening. Mom.
Don't call me Mom because I don't know you.
I'm just fetching your daughter. Joan.
And why?
By the way Mom. I brought something for you.
Marlboro cigarettes. This brand is rare nowadays.
Oh my God! How horrible!
So you're the one who taught my daughter how to smoke.
Get out of my house. you fool!
Let's go.
Romantic!
It's so romantic here.
Have a seat.
Thank you. Rico.
My pleasure.
Good evening. Sir. May I offer you some drinks?
- Hey. Bobby. - Bob!
Please give us two glasses of red wine.
Rico baby. I want to order something hot.
Can you please give us... a hot water?
No. Honey. I mean I want something spicy.
You know... something to make me hot.
Waiter?
You got it. Waiter?
Coming right up. Sir!
- Thanks for guesting. Bobby. - Isn't he handsome?
Do you come here often? It's so romantic!
No. It's my first time here. Too. But. I want to bring you here.
- Really? - Have a seat.
- How about you? - After you.
- So. Rico... - Yes?
Tell me about your shrimp.
Wait. I'll brush my teeth first.
How?
Why now?
You don't have to. Rico.
I'm sure you've got fresh breath.
No. Not tonight.
Please. Rico. I want you to show me your moves.
Oh Rico!
Hug me tighter.
I'm sorry.
When your girlfriend breaks up with you...
her whole family breaks up with you too...
including the family pet. Ouch!
Guys. I'll go ahead.
Rico... we're not drunk yet.
That's right. Besides. I haven't sung.
Don't leave yet.
- It's still early. - Come on!
Let's do this next time.
I'm tired. You know...
I'll take this with me. Okay?
Goodbye.
Rico?
- Rico Suave. Is that you? - Stella!
Hey. How are you?
Who else would smell like that?
It's been a long time since we saw each other.
Yeah.
Do you have a girlfriend now?
None yet.
Well. I've got a boyfriend now.
He's a doctor.
I met him the last time we went out.
Excuse me. Are you Stella?
Yes.
Rico Suave? Is that you?
Pleasure to meet you.
How sweet. Thank you.
- Stella? - Yes?
Your lipstick is smudged.
- May I? - Sure!
Sorry for that.
I didn't notice it because I was in a hurry.
That's so sweet of you.
That's better.
- Thank you. - What do you want to order?
No thanks! I'm not eating.
- Perhaps we don't need to eat at all. - Where do you want to go after this?
I want to watch a movie. I haven't experienced that yet.
I see.
Waiter!
Keep the change.
Stella. your shoes are mismatched.
Are they?
I'm sorry.
I didn't notice it because I was in a hurry.
It's okay.
Let's go.
- I'm sorry. - My apologies. I didn't mean it.
What is happening to you. Stella?
I'm sorry. Rico. I didn't tell you.
You see...
I can't see.
I'm blind.
Do you regret that I am your blind date?
No. I don't.
In fact. I'm filled with happiness.
So. Can we go now?
- Okay. - Let's go!
I'm sorry again.
I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it.
Let's go.
Rico. I left my bag.
I'll just get it.
Stella!
You're so stubborn.
Stella. are you sure you're okay?
If you want. we can skip the movie.
Don't worry about me. I'm fine.
I only bruised myself. This is nothing.
Here are vacant seats.
Great!
Thank you.
Do you want some snacks?
Popcorn? Soft drinks?
No thanks. Don't bother.
Oh my God. Rico.
I left my bag again.
- Wait a minute. I'll just get it. - Hey!
Why are you so stubborn?
Do you want me to end your life here?
How could you say that!
I just said that I left my bag again.
You hurt me.
Come on and sit beside me.
It's chilly here. Huh?
It's so quiet too.
Few people are watching the film. that's why.
I see.
Is the movie about to start?
Is it?
Yes. He's my eye doctor.
Free of charge.
By the way. I have a gift for you.
Wow! Is this a wallet?
Honey!
Honey? Honey.
Meet Rico.
Rico.
Meet Ernie...
- My boyfriend. - Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you. Too.
Goodbye.
Honey. Who's that? And why did he kiss you?
It's nothing.
We we're just reminiscing.
Don't worry. We're okay now.
He's actually my first kiss.
Your first kiss?
Yes. But don't worry. nothing happened between us...
because when I kissed him...
That's why nothing happened.
It's our secret. Okay?
That's a lie! Rico's not like that!
- And who are you? - Wait!
Sorry. but we can't help overhear you.
That's right.
Rico is our buddy.
Hey you!
- I don't care... - Honey!
whether you believe me or not.
But I bet you that your friend is still a virgin.
How can you be so sure?
You see. When I kissed him...
It's our secret. Okay?
- Good evening. Dr. Martin. - What can I do for you?
I have a problem.
What is it?
- Is it money? - No. Doctor.
Every time I go out on a date and go to a romantic place...
something happens to me.
- What is it? - You know...
- It's... - What?
It's... you know...
What?
That's good. You don't need to take Viagra.
You don't understand me. Doctor.
This is what happened.
Is it?
I can't stand to look.
Rico?
What's wrong?
Why?
I don't see anything wrong.
Rico!
Answer me. I'm talking to you.
Doctor!
Rico. Are you okay?
I know. You don't feel well. Right?
I have some medicine in my bag. Wait. I'll just get it.
This young man has a big problem.
Doctor.
There's more.
Come on. Rico! Show me your moves.
Oh. Rico!
Rico. Are you okay? Rico? What happened to you. Rico?
Help.
Don't worry.
Come on. Doctor.
Come on!
Help.
Hurry.
What if I break you into pieces and assemble you back later?
According to my research. your disease is called...
- Anorection Nervosa. - What is that. Doctor?
Anorection nervosa...
is a sexual dysfunction triggered by sudden rush of blood...
at the neck up to the head...
which causes epileptic paralysis or sometimes even death.
Doctor! Is there a cure?
Yes.
I'll give you a prescription.
Thanks.
- Five tablets of attapulgite? - To harden it. ( or Palygorskite, an antidiarrheal medicine )
- One cup of coconut oil? - To smoothen it.
- Baking powder? - To thicken it...
One lock of curly hair from a barber?
To help you to fight nervousness.
- Are you sure about these. Doctor? - Why? Have you seen a nervous barber?
- Not yet. Have you? - I have.
Thanks. Doctor.
You're welcome.
Boys. Rico is our friend. Friends don't desert each other!
We need to help him out.
We will help Rico. Okay?
Hi! Hello! We need a woman.
She must be of good breeding. graceful in her moves...
one who looks like she's convent-bred.
You have?
Your wife?
How much is her fee?
You're sure about this?
Great body?
Okay!
Come again? Handsome?
You fool! Don't you ever come here!
Hey. Wait a minute. Okay? Just wait!
Uncle...
Auntie used to be a prostitute. Right?
Babe. I took a shower already.
I'm not in the mood.
You don't have to be in the mood.
Just three rounds.
Stop bugging me! Will you?
What's the problem?
You know. There's something weird with our son.
He seems to be hiding something from us.
Mael. you think he's into drugs?
Tippy!
- Come here you little rascal! - Why Dad? Ouch!
How could you?
You're still in Grade One and you're not even circumcised yet.
But you already have a vice!
Ouch!
Babe! What now?
Not Tippy!
Our other son. Rico.
That's what I've been telling you.
Go ahead and talk to him.
- Rico... - I don't do drugs.
He said he doesn't do drugs.
Rico. What are you doing?
I'm just trying out a prescription my doctor gave me.
- Prescription? - Prescription?
My son...
are you ill?
Dad. Weren't you a barber before?
Yes. Would you like a haircut?
I need some hair. Curly ones.
My son. I'll give you some.
Thanks. Dad.
Catch them.
I need more. Dad.
Careful. I might go bald.
What's happening?
Rico?
What's happening to you?
I'm okay. Mom. Dad.
Ouch! Help.
For goodness' sake...
Hey. There's somebody crying for help.
- Miss! Is somebody raping you? - What is happening here?
He fell asleep on top of me.
Help me please. I can't breathe!
- Let's help her. - Let me!
Open the door. He might be too heavy.
Help her!
I can't breathe! Hurry up. Please!
Push it!
What happened?
Thanks.
Miss. Can you light my fire?
You're such a hot chick! What's your name?
You must be an angel because you look like an angel.
No. I'm Venus.
That's why you look like a planet.
Planet. Planet.
Cut it out! You can't put one over me.
- This pig has no money! - Hey!
What are you doing with the man's wallet?
He hasn't paid me yet.
Boys! I think we have found our girl.
- Hello. Venus. - Hello. Venus.
By the way. Venus. this is our friend. Rico.
Hi. Venus.
I'm not Venus. I'm going to the restroom.
Which one is Venus?
- There she is! - There she is!
Hi. Rico.
Have we met before?
Rico is a shy guy. Huh?
Rico! Rico!
Hey guys. I have to go.
It's nice meeting you. Rico.
Rico! Rico!
- Rico! - What's happening to you?
You turned into ice.
You can be frigid. Too.
Your prescription was useless. Doctor.
Stop blaming me. Be glad I still helped you.
I think I'll never get a cure for my disease.
Wait a minute.
Perhaps you're gay.
- Big brother! - Where's Mom?
Mom?
Mom.
Mom!
Mom! Mom!
- Mom! - Hey! Stop that!
I'm watching TV. Sit over here.
Do you have a problem?
- Mom... - Yes?
How was I when I was small?
You were a baby. Of course...
with one head. two legs. And two arms.
What I mean is...
What was I fond of when I was still a kid?
Do you really want to know?
You know. Son...
You were very cute way back then.
We thought we'd have a baby girl.
When you came out of my womb. we didn't expect we'll see a tiny prick.
There.
See? Aren't you so cute?
Mom? That's not me. That's a girl.
Yes! That's you!
Big brother! I never knew you were such an ugly kid.
- Tippy. You were uglier. - No! I don't think so.
Wait up. Mom.
Tell me. How did I behave wearing these girl's clothes?
You were so comfortable in that dress.
That's why I kept a strict watch over you.
I told your Mom. her son might turn into a daughter!
But through God's mercy. obviously that didn't happen.
However. Many say that...
homosexuality can manifest during adulthood.
Wait a minute...
Don't tell me you're a...
Since when did you find out?
- So you're gay? - Dad. Stop it!
- You're a faggot! - I said stop it!
We're one family! We shouldn't hurt each other.
Please don't hurt our son.
What's the truth. Rico?
Are you really gay?
I don't know.
- How dare you! - It hurts!
You should be ashamed! I didn't give birth to a faggot!
Faggot! Queer!
- I'm the only woman in this family! - Please! He's your son!
Dad. Mom. I'm not gay.
See? He's not gay after all.
I'm a lesbian.
Venus!
Don't disturb me. Don't you see I'm busy?
What's your problem?
Remember our friend. Rico?
Perhaps you might want to help us restore his virility.
So he won't end up going for men.
Down payment first.
Down payment? Mr. Tea!
It's unfair! I always end up shouldering the cost!
- Hush! - How much?
Ten thousand pesos.
Ten thousand?
Stop asking me if I miss you
- Stop bugging me because I'll tell you. - Hi! Do you come here often?
- Stop teasing me - I come here often.
You might get surprised
Even if you ignore me
- I'll still love you - Would you like to drink?
Stop pulling my leg, I might believe you
I'll love you even if you don't want me to
If ever you decide to stop it
- Then don't start it - Would you like some water?
You might get surprised if I fall for you
Stop teasing me, I might fall for you
Stop saying you love me
I might give you my heart
Stop asking me
- I might answer you - Hi Rico!
Stop saying you love me
- Because I might give you my heart - Would you like some?
- One for Rico. Please. - Yes ma'am.
- Hearts are easy to flare up - Would you like yours well-done?
once you provoke it
Stop teasing me I might end up with you
Stop teasing me I might fall for you
Hey Rico. we heard you're ignoring Venus.
Didn't I tell you I'm staying away from women?
What's happening to you? You're acting strange lately.
How do we go out without women?
- Wow! Sexy! - Let's check her out!
Hey. Miss! You're so gorgeous.
What's your name?
No women for me.
If we happen to meet some. I'd be happy to be just a friend.
- A friend? - A friend?
- How rude of you! - Guys! She says he's rude!
You're all rude!
- Come on! Give me what you've got. - You're tough. Huh?
Hey! Let go of me!
Somebody help me!
Guys. Let's help her.
It's just an act.
- An act? - What act? It looks real. Rico!
Stop! Let go of me.
Leave her alone.
What do you care?
Take this! And this!
Rico.
Anyone else?
Anyone else who wants to fight?
- Let's go! - Wait for me!
Who did this to you?
- You... - I'll defend you.
Come back here. You cowards!
Son. Wake up.
- Son. - Wake up.
Be gentle.
- Son? - Hey! Wake up!
Dad! Mom! What are you doing here?
I'm not gay.
Don't worry. Son. Your father won't harm you.
Why are you here? Is there a problem?
Son. We came here because tomorrow is your birthday. Right?
Yes.
How old are you?
You'll be turning twenty-five tomorrow. Right?
Your father and I are just worried.
Don't you have any plans of settling down yet?
You know. We...
settle down at the age of twenty five.
Son. Don't fail us. Okay?
We've been waiting for a grandchild from you for a long time now.
And just make sure that your partner is a woman. Okay?
Tell me about your new prospect victim.
You even had him beat you up!
It's nothing. Rico Suave is his name.
Rico Suave? Beware of him. Venus.
I heard that Rico Suave has a great sex appeal.
You know him?
Of course! My God. who doesn't know him?
Muscular. Handsome.
And most of all. A suave guy.
It seems you like him. He's all yours if you want.
Hey. I'm just pointing out Rico's traits.
Are you jealous? You've fallen for him. Huh?
What are you talking about?
Hustlers like us must not fall in love.
We make our customers get drunk. then we rob them.
With this easy going life. we can easily achieve our goals.
Hi. Rico. One kilo of shrimps. Please.
- One kilo. Miss? - Give her one kilo of shrimps. Tomas.
No. Not you. I want Rico to serve me.
Miss. Tomas is my assistant. I'm his boss.
And he follows my every order.
Never mind.
Shrimps. Please. But I want Rico to service me.
Why are you all after me? I'm not for sale.
You seem to be in a bad mood.
- What did you say? - Snob!
- Hey Rico. Why are you in a bad mood? - Headache?
Nothing. I'm just upset. That's all.
Really? It doesn't show.
I have an idea to make our suave night different.
Once we spot a girl. let's stick together.
Yes! Birds of the same feather. flock together.
Flock together...
I'll be honest to you.
I wish to take a break from dating and flirting with women.
I want to do some soul-searching. I want to be alone.
Hey Rico! Look what you've done to me.
- I did this? - That hurts.
What happened?
You punched me last night when you were trying to save me.
I did?
- Yes. You! - Yes. You!
But how can I?
You know very well that I can never do that to a pretty girl like you.
So fair. So young. And so fresh.
I'm sorry.
I don't need your apology.
You make it up to me. Take me out to dinner.
What?
Go ahead. Rico. Take her to dinner.
Just dinner. No hanky panky.
Okay! Just dinner. Unless. You have other things in mind.
No! I'm not interested. Then it's just dinner.
Okay. Just dinner.
I'll be at your house by 7:00 pm.
I'm a man of punctuality.
If the clock strikes 7:01 and I'm not yet there. Our date is canceled.
Okay.
Bye.
- Okay! - Okay!
Good evening. Venus.
Who are you?
Rico wants you to have this.
And he says he's sorry.
What?
He's sorry.
Where is he?
He went home.
- The nerve of him! - It hurts!